Ever wonder why the current state of relationships between men and women seems so much more messed up than it did when our parents were our age?

I give you ... Dream Phone.

For the unfortunate ladies and straight gentlemen who have not played it, let me explain the rules as best I can remember them.

The object of the game is to figure out which of the boys on the board has a crush on which of the players. Everyone shares a big, pink, plastic phone and you each get your own phone book with boys' numbers on it.

(My favorite part of the phone book is that all the numbers start with 555. I think phone numbers in LA should start with 555. I could explain why, but it would take us away from this fascinating subject.) I believe players take turns calling these boys, who then give you a clue, such as: (in a loud voice, over the speaker phone) "Oh, hi! I can definitely help you. Here's a hint!" (softer so only the player with their ear pressed up against the receiver can hear it) "He doesn't like pizza!"

With your clue, you then look at the board and eliminate anyone who is eating pizza, since they are obviously not the person who could potentially have a crush on you, and so on and so on, until you think you know who it is because you've crossed out mostly everyone in your phone book who is wearing a tie or who doesn't have glasses or whatever. THEN you put the phone on SPEAKER and press the GUESS Button:

If you win, the boy will come on and say, "You're right! I REALLY like you!" Generally, you really hope this boy is Steve, because he was definitely the cutest one on the board.

I think this explains a lot. Kind of like how Mall Madness explains how so many people are in credit card debt. If the cute one likes you and you know he doesn't hang out at the movies, it should mean a successful relationship, right? Right?? RIGHT?!