Eating breakfast at 5am is certainly a new thing for me. I’m never hungry when I wake up so I have to force myself to eat, or I’ll be starving by 8am. It’s hard to get a reasonable amount of food down, because everything seems to taste awful at 5am. It’s got nothing to do with toothpaste, I brush after I eat. It’s just that nothing tastes good. (I havn’t tried sushi though, but where would I even get it that early in the morning?) Does anyone know what I can eat that won’t suck?

Possibly the worst part about it is that I still get hungry at 8am anyway. Every morning someone on my floor at work brings in McDonald’s for breakfast and it fills my nostrils with joy and desire. But the lingering smell makes my tongue cry, sends throbbing pains to my stomach and daggers to my heart. I can only fantasize about McDonald’s breakfast. There aren’t any on the way to work, and I’d probably die very young if there were. Smelling hash browns every morning kills me inside. I salivate just thinking about those greasy morsels rolling across my tongue, and grinding between my teeth. The fantasies never stop there though. I find myself craving pancakes, sausage, mcgriddles, egg mcmuffins, steak bagels, and cinnamon buns. I’m so deprived.

McDonald’s breakfast has been a hero of mine since childhood. No matter that it’s terribly unhealthy. Something like 66% of Americans are overweight - at least I can feel like I’m part of something, being in that overwhelming statistic. McDonald’s breakfast is one of the best, and least expensive, forms of “I-want-it-now” short-term happiness. Nobody cares about the long term effects until they happen. So what if the long term effects are weight gain and clogged arteries. By then we will have developed magic pills for all of that, right? We’re already at a point where pills are the best way to lower cholesterol. Maybe they should work some of that cholesterol-lowering-voodoo into the mcgriddle? Or the Big Mac? Stop the problem before it starts? Why can’t we just have a bunch of healthy fat people running around? (Is that an oxymoron?)

Maybe then we’ll have to start putting chairs in elevators. And starbucks would serve complimentary chocolate éclairs with every coffee. If we had more lazy overweight people we would have less crime! Let’s see – sit on the couch, watch bad television and eat a double cheeseburger packed with vitamins, anti-acids, and anti-cholesterol agents or go out and commit a crime and worry about having to run from the police. Think about it. That would be tiring. All that thinking accomplishes is making you wish you had ordered bacon for your double cheeseburger.

Besides, bad television usually becomes watchable-television when you start to think about the other things you could or should be doing. Responsibilities seem so far away sometimes. Especially when you can conveniently say, “I’ll do it after this show is over.” So what if you’re watching the same re-run of Everybody Loves Raymond that you saw a few weeks ago, when you were skipping out on your responsibilities. And so what if you have Tivo. It’ll get done eventually, right?

On second thought, a nation of lazy and fat but healthy people might be disastrous. Unless other countries were to adopt the same philosophy. We could all run around with skinny avatars in a virtual world while we wait for the oven timer to tell us when the brownies are done. Hmm, go to war or eat brownies? Brownies.

All of these random thoughts spawned because my heart has a burning desire to live off of McDonald’s breakfast for the rest of my life, and have it not be terrible for me.