I had an epiphany about an hour ago, which led me to Walmart where I purchased a bag of 300 dumdums for $6. Now that I’m back, eating dumdum after dumdum, I’m trying to figure out what triggered this epiphany. I heard a voice that said, “You really need to get a lollipop right now.” And I listened to that voice. My journey began. I dashed down the four flights of stairs, hopped in the car, and about 10 minutes later the mission was complete and I returned home; I was pretty excited when I got back to my place with the giant bag of delicious teeth-destroying madness.

It wasn’t until I reached into the bag and pulled out the first of many dumdums that my hopes and dreams were shattered. Banana. Seriously, artificial banana flavor? I forced myself to eat it. I lasted through every last bit of that nasty fake-banana hell. And then I got pink-lemonade. Things sure have changed since I was a kid. What happened to orange, grape, and watermelon? Did I buy the wrong stuff? I’d like to just have a bag of 300 orange flavored dumdums. Why do I have to suffer through flavors like bubblegum, cream soda, the ambiguous “mystery flavor,” and coconut-pineapple. Well, I’m actually eating coconut-pineapple right now and it’s exceptional. But that doesn’t excuse them from screwing up the other flavors in the lab and then labeling them “mystery flavor.” That doesn’t make flavors like banana acceptable.

Whoever thought banana was a good idea should be fired. And then shot once for each and every banana flavored dumdum ever created. Harsh? Have you tasted this banana flavored hell? I hope you have, and I hope you agree. Because if you don’t, I don’t think we can be friends. Knowing that you could possibly accept such a disgrace to dumdums, to bananas, to artificial flavoring in general, would create a fissure between us. That’s assuming that we’re friends already. Your fake-banana-loving-self probably has no friends. And it’ll stay that way. You’re not a reasonable person, who likes reasonable things. You’re an abomination, similar to your fake-banana flavoring.

Now, excuse me, I need to brush my teeth.