I made a huge mistake and scheduled an eye exam for 9am on my day off. I must have been thinking that it needed to be early because it was a week day, or something equally ridiculous. I guess the worst part about it was that I had entirely forgotten about it, the only reminder buried in my wallet, and a scheduled alarm in my phone. Well, the alarm went off, which made me pretty angry. Waking me up at 8 on my day off, who does this alarm think it is? "Eye Appt." on my phone's LCD screen, slapped me in the face.

"AhhhgggghHhHh” (followed by more unintelligible groaning).

That's got to be the worst way to start your day off. Regretfully, I got up. I made it to the appointment on time and went through the routine checkup questions, "You haven't had a checkup in 5 years? …I see." It was fun. The doctor repeatedly exclaimed how large my pupils were and how she didn't need to dilate them, so I could hop over and get contacts during this visit. So I did. Really-Super-Big contacts. Apparently I have huge irises as well.

After getting my large contacts, the doctor sat me down with a serious look on her face. "David. You have (insert some weird bacteria name, which I can't remember, here). It blocks your tear ducts and dries out your eyes. You'll need to gently rub shampoo into your eyes three times a week to clear it out." Great. I always thought I just wasn't the crying type, because I'm super-manly and not emotional. But apparently it's because I have some not-dangerous tear-duct-blocking bacteria in my eyes. And to solve this problem I have to put shampoo in my eyes. Even baby shampoo crushes my eyes. My poor, scared eyes didn't take that news very well. But, this morning I held my eyes down and prodded them with a shampoo covered cloth. And the burning commenced. It's basically a self inflicted torture for the apparent greater good, assuming the doctor isn't at home laughing, knowing that I'm jamming shampoo into my eyes.